Routine

I am back in the hospital. I just got out in August and I am back again. This is the 5th time in a year and a half. My PFT's, which were 80% when I was discharged in August, are down to 55%.

I sit here, wanting to write something, waiting for the anger, the fear, or...something, to form in my mind and work it's way out through my fingers. And then I realize, I don't feel anything. I'm not frustrated, I am not bitter, I am not angry, and I ask myself, when did this all become so routine?

When did being admitted stop bringing me to tears in the doctor's office? When did I start scheduling my life around potential future hospital stays? When did I become such an expert on the ins and outs of my body, and the toll this illness takes on it? When did CF creep so fully into my life?

It looks like I will be here a week, and then do a week of home IV's. I guess if I had a wish it would be that I can stay out of the hospital long enough that the numbness wears off, long enough that the next time I am admitted I can be angry about the unexpected, untimely disruption in my life and maybe even shed a tear or two.