Or will she be older...7...10...15? Will you still love her if she is a teenager? Will she call you "mom"? I hope so. She will need a mom. Not a stepmom. A real mom. Can you be that for her? Are you ready to love her the way I need you to love her? I think she'll be stubborn. She already is. She'll probably be spoiled, because she is already that, too. But she loves to cuddle. She loves to share. She makes sure her teddy bear gets read to and fed and tucked in at night. And she loves Jesus.
And I wondered tonight about my husband...your husband. I hope you know what a catch you have. He's the best person you could ever hope to meet, let alone marry. He's honest and loyal and truly cares about people. He's goofy and childlike and loves to spend time with his family. That's how I know that there will be a you. My sweetheart isn't one to be alone. He'll need a friend, a companion, and yes, a lover. Just please be gentle to the memory of me. I will share him with you, only please don't try to take all of him. Maybe there can be a little corner of his heart, a small portion of his memories that I can keep, that can be ours, his and mine, even after he has found you. I hope that's not too much to ask.
I know I will have more to say to you before I go. I am not quite sure how one prepares their self for something like this. But if I write to you- whoever and where ever you are-if I can tell you my worries and concerns, then maybe when the time comes I won't feel like I am abandoning my precious child and loving and devoted husband, rather I will be leaving them in the care of a friend.
I need to learn NOT to read your posts at work. People think it's odd when their teller is crying as they do their banking.
ReplyDeleteI'm so incredibly far from being ready to deal with thoughts like these.
well, this post was right before going into the hospital for the 5th time in a year and a half, so I was a little emotional. I don't normally think so negatively, but it's nice to feel free to express it when I do.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think of it as NEGATIVE, more just REALISTIC. But it upsets me that this IS our reality.
ReplyDeleteAdam and I had a conversation about this very thing last night, which made me realize just HOW unprepared I am to deal with that reality. It also managed to put me into an emotional, "I hate CF" phase again.
I'm hoping it passes soon.
Well, I was encouraged at my last clinic appointment to hear my doctor say that I have every reason to expect to be around to raise a child. Because I am sicker than I use to be, I start thinking the worst, but really, our CF is still mild and life expectancy is always increasing, so I think we do have to be realistic, but realistic and optimistic aren't mutually exclusive.
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