Routine

I am back in the hospital. I just got out in August and I am back again. This is the 5th time in a year and a half. My PFT's, which were 80% when I was discharged in August, are down to 55%.

I sit here, wanting to write something, waiting for the anger, the fear, or...something, to form in my mind and work it's way out through my fingers. And then I realize, I don't feel anything. I'm not frustrated, I am not bitter, I am not angry, and I ask myself, when did this all become so routine?

When did being admitted stop bringing me to tears in the doctor's office? When did I start scheduling my life around potential future hospital stays? When did I become such an expert on the ins and outs of my body, and the toll this illness takes on it? When did CF creep so fully into my life?

It looks like I will be here a week, and then do a week of home IV's. I guess if I had a wish it would be that I can stay out of the hospital long enough that the numbness wears off, long enough that the next time I am admitted I can be angry about the unexpected, untimely disruption in my life and maybe even shed a tear or two.

To the Mother of My Child

I thought about you tonight, as I lay next to my sleeping baby, stroking her beautiful, crazy, blond curls and listening to her breathe. I wondered how long until it would be you here, next to her, watching her sleep. Would you cover her in her favorite pink blanket and send her off to "the blanket show" with eskimo and butterfly kisses? Just don't do the "mama kiss". That one's mine. Just hers and mine.

Or will she be older...7...10...15? Will you still love her if she is a teenager? Will she call you "mom"? I hope so. She will need a mom. Not a stepmom. A real mom. Can you be that for her? Are you ready to love her the way I need you to love her? I think she'll be stubborn. She already is. She'll probably be spoiled, because she is already that, too. But she loves to cuddle. She loves to share. She makes sure her teddy bear gets read to and fed and tucked in at night. And she loves Jesus.

And I wondered tonight about my husband...your husband. I hope you know what a catch you have. He's the best person you could ever hope to meet, let alone marry. He's honest and loyal and truly cares about people. He's goofy and childlike and loves to spend time with his family. That's how I know that there will be a you. My sweetheart isn't one to be alone. He'll need a friend, a companion, and yes, a lover. Just please be gentle to the memory of me. I will share him with you, only please don't try to take all of him. Maybe there can be a little corner of his heart, a small portion of his memories that I can keep, that can be ours, his and mine, even after he has found you. I hope that's not too much to ask.

I know I will have more to say to you before I go. I am not quite sure how one prepares their self for something like this. But if I write to you- whoever and where ever you are-if I can tell you my worries and concerns, then maybe when the time comes I won't feel like I am abandoning my precious child and loving and devoted husband, rather I will be leaving them in the care of a friend.